Jokes

„What comes after the Bronze Age and the Iron Age?“

„The Heavy Metal Age, Sir!“

Teacher:

„What happened to your homework?“

Jerry:

„I made it into a paper plane, and somebody hijacked it!“

In the USA, they have: Bill Clinton, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johny Cash. In Slovakia, they have: Vladimir Meciar, no wonder, no hope, no cash

Why Italian boys have small black moustaches? They like to be similar to their mothers.

Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am? She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

Knock Knock Knock. Who is there? Mary. Mary who? Mary christmas.

City lady: „Have you ever had any accidents?“

Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am. Mind you, I was once kicked by a horse and bitten by a snake.“

City lady: „Good heavens! Don´t you call those accidents?“

Cowboy: „No, Ma´ am.They dit it on purpsose.“

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It´s just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." 

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place. "It´s just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money." 

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That´s not true, Mary. Some people don´t even know you." 

Stolen car

 

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. 

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out. 

 

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake." 

Small world

 

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 

"Why of course", comes the reply. 

 

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?" 

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man. 

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland." 

"Of Course", replies the second man. 

 

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" 

"Aberdeen", comes the reply. 

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen." 

"Of course", replies the second man. 

 

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?" 

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62." 

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!" 

 

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. 

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender 

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."